Is it because we live in such time, or we made our time as it is? I start to notice I try to take a «nice picture» of the moment more often than really experience how it is. And then to share this photo of course, why then I made it. I do not try to highlight and show to everybody how perfect my life is. It is not perfect of course. I simply want more beauty in my life. I want to have some kind of dreamy image around.
I am one of those who can kill the whole day for cleaning my apartment and then enjoy looking around and seeing everything clean and in order. And for the perfect feeling it is even better to clean all and then bake something. Two feelings are satisfied – beauty around and smells tasty. The funny thing is it takes so long but not always needed. Since a while I started to have a feeling I try to become an unattainable ideal of a perfect woman (or better to say housewife?). Because after you cleaned and baked all day you simply do not have time for yourself. You just feel exhausted, want to lie down in the middle of all this beauty and die. Oh no, what I say! To take a picture first, of course! For posterity. Or I have no idea why else you need it in this moment. But the fact is, it’s some kind of unhealthy.
Now, while I write this text, I am sitting at the table still wearing my pyjama. We just had breakfast. Plates and some omelet left in the pan are still on the table. I drink tea trying to focus on what I’m writing. But in the same time I fight the urge to to get up and clear it all away. And I also keep in mind, it is time to take the Christmas tree out and wash clothes. But what I am trying to express by all this is I really madly want to live! But among all this pursuit of ideals on all fronts a time for life is really limited. As a result I struggle from the lack of time for life itself. I do not have time to read, to take a walk, to draw, to finish the photos for people waiting for them since long time, to write to my blog.
And what to do? I know nothing is perfect. I am lucky at least I can do not cook food every time, I’m not a fan of it (only if I have a special mood). Marc cooks for us more often. When I am alone at home I can eat a salad or some buckwheat. So the time maybe spent for cooking is «mine». But where is this saved time? For what I spend all my time during the day? Should I really do all this? Or I watch too much «perfect life pictures» in Instagram и Pinterest?
Sometimes I have a feeling I can see myself from the sidelines, can watch my life like a movie or pictures. And suddenly I want to make «the shot» perfect: to move the pillows on the sofa, to put stuff on its places, to hide something in the closet, to vacuum clean and so on. When I «wake out of trance» it is already a time to go to bed. And before sleep I can have a look around once again to be sure all is ideal. But before falling asleep I normally have a feeling I spent the whole day for nothing. Because already tomorrow someone will seat on this sofa, will have breakfast and will not clean after himself (not it won’t be me of course), will scatter his socks. Oh God, the life is so beautiful exactly because it is not perfect! Then why I do all this and how to do not do?
I believe there are such woman somewhere, these who manage their time the way to do all perfectly. Their house is always clean. They have time for work and children. I cannot imagine they do not exist. But the fact is I have never seen any. Among those women, whom I admire, everyone loves beauty around, but almost all of them do not have time to keep it all the time. Of course, all is good at their homes, but still they are not like in movies – everything in its right place like nobody lives in, and fresh flowers in a vase on the table.
So, nobody can see me now. I really can spent all day wearing pyjama. I can skip lunch and clear the table when want to have a dinner. I can forget about washing clothes and do not touch the Christmas tree until March. Because IT IS MY LIFE. Instead of it I can finish this text and do a lot of nice and useful things. In true, I will have to silence «the inner fighter for the beauty», who are yelling something. I hope there is a way to find a compromise with him.