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C’est la vie

Do I need to be stricter with myself?

Seating on a sun bad at the swimming pool. I have swum and now I have a rest. And I think that on the one hand, I have a right to do it and after, I can swim again. But on the other hand, I want myself to be stronger, I do not want to be bland with myself. 

While I was swimming I watched how a Russian dad was teaching his son to swim under the water. «Dad, I am tired!». «Ok, if you are, then we will swim here until the evening. Because you know I want you to swim till you reach this sign over there». Holy shit! Is childhood really so hard? And here is me, swimming next to them and trying to remember how to do it under the water. When I was a child I had asthma attacks. And my brain remembers what it is like to have not enough air. So I have something like a phobia of water, and generally situations when I can not breathe. If I practice a little I can swim under the water, but when I don’t do it for a while, I remember nothing and swallow water again and again. So this time it is like this. An adult woman tries and tries. And he, this little guy, already almost reaches this sign, his father wanted him. His lips are already blue. «Oh, daaaaad, I am so tired!». Dear, I am tired as well! The boy keeps looking at the clock. «Where are you looking? Focus on the target! No matter how long it will take! I told you, you do not go outside until you reach under the water this sign!». Oh, man! It is like he tells it to me! He even speaks Russian! 

Young guy did it 10 minutes after! Terribly pleased with himself he got out of the pool and ran to his mother. And I worried about you, guy! Look at you! How happy you are! The same story is always with adults. I have just told to myself that I would swim x cycles, y of them under the water (ha, T9 corrects «water» to «vodka», I wonder, it’s because I write about the Russians?). Why I have all these expectations from myself? It does not let me relax and enjoy. I theoretically like much more to read a book somewhere in a cafe drinking a coffee, than to do sport. But I also like the feeling of accomplishment. Like when I have decided to run 5 kilometers and did it, or even ran 6. And after it I stand in a shower happy just like that kid!

Today I came here to relax and enjoy the life. But my brain does not let me to do so. He reminds «no favors, you decided x cycles! And you already try to run to your sun bad and your book?». This voice  eliminates the feeling of rest. But by the way I am the owner of my life! Then why do I feel this guilt about the pleasure I came for? Maybe I do not know how to set goals and go to them? There is no my dad next to me deciding what I should do. When I had swimming lessons, I could tell to my swimming coach: «I am out of breath. Please, I need 2 minutes rest». I am an adult, I can do so. And of course she would not tell me: «What? You are tired? Come on! Swim under the water until this sign or you do not go outside!». Therefore, I studied a lot slower this boy! Maybe such kind of strict warden is missed in my life? I’m not good at this role myself. But on the other hand, if you overdo with it you will get a feeling of accomplishment, but lose the feeling of joy of life. Balance is needed everywhere?

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