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C’est la vie

Just become a mum

In the end of July I became a mother. I still cannot believe. When somebody says «now go to your mommy» I am shocked. And I try to understand it is actually about me!

When somebody says «now go to your mommy» I am shocked. And I try to understand it is actually about me!

Of course I perfectly remember getting her out of me. This pain and I do not have any energy. It is all a blur. And suddenly she is on my chest. Little warm bundle who’s feet not long time ago was pushing me inside my belly. The one who did not let me sleep at night moving. The one who made me run to the toilet every hour. Here she is! She breathes. Here are her little hands, her legs and her hair. She tries to open her eyes. I expect to see an empty unsuspecting stare. But no! She looks at me with her blue eyes with so much understanding. And it really sends a chill up my spine. And a thought about a possibility of reincarnation is going through your head. Because can’t man just after birth stare that kind of look! She has not seen anything in this life yet. But this look tells me otherwise somehow…

Unspeakable and nearly impossible to describe. She sleeps near me and I am looking at her features. And I think that those little nose and mouth have developed inside of me from a small shrimp my doctor showed me on the screen of ultrasound 9 months ago. Isn’t it absolutely a miracle? This small girl has already her own character and habits. Omg, where are those facial expressions from? She was born less than 24 hours ago and she already shows me her trepidation, dread, fright and happiness. What are you thinking about, my dear? Do you see any dreams when sleep? You do not look like a machine thinking only about a food and a sleep. I wish I could be you for a minute. I want to understand why you are screaming sometimes, what hurts you, what you see and feel.

What are you thinking about, my dear? Do you see any dreams when sleep? I wish I could be you for a minute. I want to understand why you are screaming sometimes, what hurts you, what you see and feel.

I really thought I was ready. I thought a lot about her appearance, what you look like. What if I would not like something in her. What if I would not have maternal instinct or how they call it. How it would be? How it is to be a mother when you are responsible for this little bundle and have to be consistent with her expectations. 

Probably that is why parents have as much business in the beginning – to do not get crazy! You have to learn a lot of things. You simply do not have time to think about the nature of our existence. It is a feeling like those kind of thoughts are blocked in your head. She is falling asleep and you tired not sleep and look at her. Without any thought – only if you can touch her, pet her or kiss. Or you are better only watch and do not breath. Maybe take her hand in yours and review all fingers one by one? Her ears. Her nose. Petites! And belong to YOUR daughter. Yours and his. And that is it. And nothing else. Your brain cannot process this information. It leaves only to live. Since now the three of us…

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